Since the popular release of GTA V in September 2013, fans of Rockstar Games have been kept in the dark about the details of the next installment of the series.
Many fans have speculated that GTA V would be the last installment due to the ambiguously named “GTA Online” – a name which implies that future installments, at least of a multiplayer variety, are not to be expected...
However, new information from a multitude of sources has been leaked about the next installment in Rockstar Games’ headlining series, including specifics about the game’s setting, plot, features and functionality. As with any pre-release information, this is subject to interpretation and change.
Though no release date has been confirmed, GTA 6 has been confirmed to release sometime in the future. The exact date will likely be two years ahead of the initial estimated release date set by Rockstar, to give them time to “polish” the final copy and deliver an experience fans are sure to enjoy, despite their discontent while waiting twenty-four months more than they should have.
GTA 6 will feature a main character – or characters – that players will be forced to control if they wish to play the game. These lead characters will be voiced by an actor, or actors, who will have exponentially more witty dialogue and banter than any of the side characters or miscellaneous pedestrians because they’re just naturally more intelligent, funny, and bulletproof.
The graphics are rumored to be an improvement on those of GTA V, and the physics engine and AI functionality will also be improved to prevent drivers who accidentally run over player characters from reversing and running them over six more times.
Though unconfirmed, there are also reports that large vehicles capable of towing will also no longer take off like the Apollo 13 rocket when attached to a trailer and touched by anything more forceful than a hummingbird.
Much to the disappointment of many players, the game will not be released on PS1 or the Nintendo 64. This has led to uproar among fans who insist their older consoles are “just as good” as next-gen platforms and they shouldn’t lose out on content just because they don’t have access to their parents’ money or the motivation to get a job and buy a newer system.
Despite fan conspiracy theories, the game is confirmed to be set on the planet Earth and will not feature laser guns, hybrid jetpacks, alien invasions, or any other galactic planetary entity as a playable area.
Finally, the game will feature mature content, such as receiving fully-clothed sexual acts from sentient plastic dolls, senselessly murdering obese Midwestern tourists for yelling obscenities at you, and partial nudity which will undoubtedly be repeatedly photographed and uploaded to Rockstar’s Social Club by twelve-year-old children obsessing over an animated nipple, or worse, a seventy-year-old altruist’s kibbles and bits.
In addition to these features, Rockstar is said to have multiple downloadable content bundles in the works, which will be free to download but contain items so ludicrously expensive in game currency that microtransactions will be necessary to own anything more than your grandmother’s Buick and an airsoft pistol.
Source: The Sources
NOTE – This is a work of fiction and part of our weekly Satire column where we cover the stories that weren’t. We apologize if this hurt your tender feelings but we’ll do it all over again, every single time. 😉..
Some of the game’s shops will have humorous names such as “All Of My Stock is Legal” or “Totally Legitimate Medicinal Marijuana Dispensery.” This has already incited anger among Liberal media and social justice activists for being offensive and an unfair representation of multiple minorities as well as the entirety of the country.
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